


Uncertainly

by redisume



Series: possibilities [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redisume/pseuds/redisume
Summary: “...I want what I love to continue to live,and you whom I love and sang above everything else.to continue to flourish, full-flowered.So that you can reach everything my love directs you to.So that my shadow can travel along in your hair,so that everything can learn the reason for my song.”Pablo Neruda, Love Sonnet LXXXIX





	1. An oath of silence

**Author's Note:**

> credits to twitter user @jaeminuggets for letting me use her prompt for this possible ending! I hope I do your prompt justice ❤️
> 
> this work is inspired by some of Pablo Neruda’s poems. Titles will be credited in the end notes. 💞

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung asks jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @kyungtennie
> 
> havent proofread this yet sorry

 

“You know what baffles me?”

 

“Wow, Park Jisung! Using the word ‘baffle’.”

 

“Jeno,” the younger takes off his cap and sighs as he runs a hand through his hair. It was just a little bit past seven in the evening and the two of them were locking up the practice room their crew used earlier. Three and a half months ago, they officially started their company and with each day that passed, they become more and more busy with gigs and preparations. Today proved to be more exhausting than the previous ones and Jisung was absolutely _not_ having any of Jeno’s side comments. He gives the other a stern look which, thankfully, got the message across. _This isn’t the time to joke around._

 

“Sorry, force of habit.” Jisung rolls his eyes.

 

“Why do keep on insisting to commute to and from your house to here each day when you have a car? And,” Jisung sharply adds before the older could cut him off, “add the fact that your commute takes an hour at the very least, and that’s when the traffic isn’t as heavy like other days.”

 

Jeno drops his head and smiles even though he felt great affliction at the reasoning behind his actions. He knows how much Jisung and the others worried and cared for him, and he’s more than appreciative for the gestures they take to make him feel that way.

 

Jeno knows that he’s being silly and unreasonable. He has a perfectly fine and working car, and yet he wasn’t using it. And for what—small glimmer of happiness? A glimpse of someone who he wished had forgotten him, yet at the same time, hoped that he has a permanent place in that person’s heart and mind. Numerous times, Jeno had thought of how _wrong_ it was of him to indulge himself in this small joy. _And yet._

 

And yet, he can’t seem to find it in him to stop and fully let go, even if he doesn’t know if what he was doing is worth it or not.

 

Jeno takes a deep breath before meeting Jisung’s eyes and draping an arm over the younger’s shoulder (who, surprisingly, didn’t shy away from the contact).

 

”You know, I’m confused with myself, too.” Jeno admits ruefully, “It’s just... I can’t help it.”

 

 

* * *

 

Because I cannot reach out my hand and be sure that you will be there to take it. I don’t want to risk the oath of silence we’ve entered after meeting up again. I do not want you to become uncomfortable, nor do I want you to feel obliged to feel a certain way because of me. The distance that we have, I am more than okay with it. I want you to be free of me, even if I am not able to do the same.

 

I am content, as long as my love somehow reaches you. As long as you are happy, as long as you are safe and unharmed. I am content with only seeing you from afar, even if I still have to pretend to not know of your presence. Your wings are strong and full, and I will be the sea creature watching you from below as you spread them and reach greater heights.

 

Even if I want to be the shoulder your head turns to as you start dozing off from a long day at work. Even if I want to be the one driving you home. These limitations I’ve set for myself are the things that bring me back to the ground. You are not mine; not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspirations for this chapter:  
> Pablo Neruda’s Love Sonnet LXXXIX  
> Ourselves the Elves’ Uncertainly


	2. Send me the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some good ol’ flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“...because in that moment you'll have gone so far  
>  I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,   
> Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?”_

 

_ July 22, 2023 _

_ 9:35 PM _

  
  


“I’m pooped.”

 

“I bet you are,” Jeno looks over to his side and pats the head resting on his shoulder. “From hearing everything you’ve told me, you did have an exhausting couple of months. But isn’t it worth it in the end?”

 

At this, Jaemin lifts his head and meets the eyes of the person who once broke his heart at the very bench they were sitting at. Those crescents that once held his universe together. Jaemin can’t help the small pang in his chest as he remembers everything they’ve went through, and he’s yet again reminded that this—whatever  _ this  _ is—is new ground for the both of them. So maybe they’ll still feel some sort of longing towards one another, but Jaemin knows they’ve been through enough to subject themselves to another round of pain. None of them deserved that. This should be their new beginning.

 

“It is. Very much so.” Jaemin beams at Jeno, and the older sees, then, the message that the other’s eyes seemingly wanted to communicate. Even though the topic of their conversation is different to their nonverbal communication, they’ve known each other long enough to know the little hints and signals just from observation.

 

 

* * *

 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Although we have talked here and there… but it’s the first time we met up and talked again. Isn’t it funny how my instinct told me to both run away from you  _ and  _ run to you the second I saw a familiar figure? Well, maybe it’s more pathetic than funny, though. I think me being pathetic has become my branding of some sort by now.

 

The words that wanted to come out of my chest… they never got to explode. I say explode because I feel like there isn’t any other way to explain how big this feeling is. This great force kept up inside a small organ the size of my fist; truly amazing, isn’t it? As amazing as you and the way you still captivate me with every glance you spare me. This is making me sound like a sap… guess I’ll put the blame on alcohol for this one.

 

Tonight… tonight was a bit painful, if I’m going to be completely honest. I hate how we’re able to read each other so easily, to sense the difference in aura just by noticing a few gestures and difference in voice quality. I wish I was oblivious to the way your eyes held sorrow as if it couldn’t see anything else. How the slight quiver in your voice seemed to tell the story of the moon and the sun—how they need each other and yet they vowed to keep their distance. 

 

So that the balance of the universe isn’t disrupted.

 

So that this veil of comfortableness between us stays the same.

 

God knows how willing I am to take that one step forward in your direction, to be a little closer to reach your body and enclose it with mine… 

  
  


But you’ve made your decision, haven’t you?

  
  


Sitting on that bench, we were within an arm’s reach but it felt like we were countries apart. You’ve made yourself unreachable, too far off for me to try and make you listen to the words I’ve been meaning to say. 

 

You’ve made your decision. And try as hard as I may, I know I can’t sway you.

 

For tonight, let me wallow in this self-pity I’ve drawn myself into; I’ll cry out to silence once again for I know I cannot have you with me. And maybe, as I slowly succumb to sleep, I’ll once again gain hope, just for a short moment, and wish I’ll dream of you. And in that world, when I ask you if we can come back into each other’s embrace, we’ll both let the universe malfunction as we meet in the middle. Until your light burns me. Maybe even until these feelings cease to exist. And when I once again open my eyes, I’ll see you again from a distance. Such a dazzling sight you always are.

 

Sweet dreams, my sun. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter:  
> Pablo Neruda’s Don’T Go Far Off  
> Sara Bareilles’ Send Me the Moon  
> sorry for the short chapters :c
> 
> follow me on twitter and give me some inspiration and comments ♡ @kyungtennie


	3. Going home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno's bus rides home are always relaxing for him. That is, until something happens one day that he never expected to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"나의 맘은 옆에 있을 거야 — my heart will be by your side_  
>  별처럼 빛이 나는 우리 얘길 — our story that shines like a star  
>   _지금 여기 옆에 없어서 널 이제 — now that I’m not here_  
>  __  
> 손을 잡아주지는 못하지만 — I cannot hold your hand, but  
>  불러 줄게 너를 위한 노래 — I'll sing the songs for you  
> 나를 기억해줘 시간이 지나도 함께 했던 이야길 — remember me, the story I shared with you over time"
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“...Well, now,_  
>  if little by little you stop loving me  
> I shall stop loving you little by little. 
> 
>  
> 
> _If suddenly_  
>  you forget me  
> do not look for me,  
> for I shall already have forgotten you….”  
> 

“When will you get your car from the shop?” Jisung inquired once the two of them reach the parking lot of their company building. Two days ago, Jeno got to work late because the engine of his car refused to start and it’s been in the shop since. Jisung’s been giving him a ride home for the past nights, but Jeno didn’t want to bother him anymore; especially because he lived in the opposite side of the city as Jisung.

 

“They said this weekend, probably.”

 

A few beats of silence, with only the sounds of their steps echoing around them until they reach Jisung’s car. “Are you sure you don’t want to get inside? You know it’s not a big deal for me.”

 

Jeno flashed his signature smile. Jisung must be dead worried about him, and while he understands where the younger’s concern was coming from, he can’t help the pricks in his chest. “I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult man who once backpacked around Europe without knowing much and I was able to survive that,” he pats Jisung’s hair and ruffles it endearingly as if to convey that he’s also as afraid as him, if not more, but worrying won’t do much for any of them. “It’s only an hour worth of travel, plus I’m taking the bus. No need to fret, alright?”

 

○

 

Jeno was thankful for the three days he spent commuting home. His quiet nature led him to have a knack for observing people and his surroundings as a hobby. It relaxed him, as weird as that may sound. From the furthest seat in the back, he imagines how everyone is merely a background character in someone else’s life, yet are still significant enough in some way. This fascinates him and occupies his thoughts.

 

Tonight, however, he sits nearer to one of the exits, a different view to his usual. It’s not like there weren’t any other seats, that isn’t the case. It was one of those spontaneous actions that sprang out of nowhere. _It wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of variety every now and then, wouldn’t it?_

 

No, it definitely doesn’t hurt, even if it should.

 

As his bus halts at the second to the last stop before he gets off, Jeno’s eyes wander to the other bus stop at the street across. There weren’t many people outside at this hour, much to his surprise. But perhaps the bigger surprise would be seeing the person sitting on the bench at the other side.

 

○

 

That’s how it started.

 

The next day, Jeno times himself and approximates his actions so that he gets on the same bus as he did the previous night. With a new spring to his steps and a certain giddiness to his every movement, he patiently waits to reach a certain stop — the same stop where he can see Jaemin wait for his own bus before departing just a few minutes after.

 

 _This is enough,_ he tells himself. Being a minor character in Jaemin’s story as their lives intertwine like this is more than sufficient for Jeno’s heart. The silent oath they took many nights ago blare warning signs in his mind to not take another step closer, to be content with the distance between the two of them. Even if he longs to be able to go over to Jaemin and talk to him like old times, to reach out and see the details of his face, to help ease the tiredness burdening his shoulders, the sound of the bus engine roaring and starting once again reminds him of his place.

 

○

 

”Hey, look over there!”

 

Jeno is awoken from his nap. When did he start dozing off? He feels tension on his shoulders and he rolls them to relax his muscles. It was a particularly hard day at work, one that involved Jisung and the Minho squabbling over who gets to take over a certain class. They were able to reconcile the two of them, thankfully, but not without Jeno having to exert strength that led to him straining himself.

 

”Oh my gosh, he’s kneeling!”

 

Jeno, still disoriented, blearily turns his attention to the object of attraction the people sitting behind him were focused on. It takes him a couple of seconds to zone in on what he was looking. There was a man, kneeling, and another man covering his mouth. There were a couple of people gathered around the pair, some even taking out their phones to record the moment. Jeno blinks a few more times, then rubs his eyes again and again as he refused to believe what he saw. _It... can’t be._

_But it is._

Even if his mind wanted to deny the scene in front of him, it doesn’t change the fact that Jaemin was the one kneeling and holding what seemed to be a small box that contained a ring—which he soon after put on the other person’s ring finger before hugging him. 

 

Jeno, in his stunned state, doesn’t realize that the bus was once again moving.

 

 

* * *

 

I don’t... I don’t even know what to say. I should be congratulating you... yet my heart disallows me to do so. 

 

I am once again proving how foolish I am. We haven’t talked since that night in the park. I don’t know who you are right now, how much you’ve changed, what keeps you up at night... who makes you happy.

 

For certain, at least I know that isn’t me. Not anymore.

 

I wonder how much longer will I hold on to these feelings? How much longer will I subject myself to this pain? I should stop, that much I can apprehend. Maybe this is the sign that I should start to forget you. It will be difficult unlearning how I loved you. To put in a small container the kept memories of us and bury it where I will no longer be able to access the feelings I should have long abandoned.

 

And just like what I will be trying to do, disremember me as well, Jaemin, for that is what you deserve. You should not be plagued by me and my inability to move on. My hope remains that a smile is always ever present on your face.

 

I may not know how much time there is left, but little by little, I will forget you, Na Jaemin. So please, even without my knowing, forget me, too.

 

 

Congratulations on your wedding, Nana. Always be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirations for this chapter:  
> 기억 (Memory) by Gaho  
> If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda


	4. Clinking Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally Jaemin’s wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“...Tonight I can write the saddest lines._  
>  To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. 
> 
>  
> 
> _To hear the immense night, still more immense without her._  
>  And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. 
> 
>  
> 
> _What does it matter that my love could not keep her._  
>  The night is shattered and she is not with me…
> 
>  
> 
> _My sight searches for her as though to go to her._  
>  My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. 
> 
>  
> 
> _The same night whitening the same trees._  
>  We, of that time, are no longer the same….
> 
>  
> 
> _Love is so short, forgetting is so long._
> 
>  
> 
> _Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms_  
>  my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her….”

“Please give it up for Lee Jeno!”  
  
  
  
With sweaty hands, legs like jelly, and bile threatening to come out from his mouth, Jeno makes his way to the podium beside the newlywed couple. He tries not to look at him, but alas, he betrays himself. Jaemin was statuesque—his beauty doesn’t fail to captivate and enchant him as if he was under hypnosis. As he looks at him, Jeno sees something in Jaemin’s eyes that he couldn’t quite pinpoint. It was highly likely that it was only his imagination or delusion, given the fact that he proved to himself that he still hasn’t moved on. He’s trying, he really is, but saying has always been easier than doing.  
  
  
  
”Hello, everyone,” Jeno starts as his eyes start adjusting to the strong beaming lights turned towards him. “I hope you’re all having a pleasant time. Especially to our lovely newlyweds right here,” he gestures to his side as he displays his pearly whites. His nerves are starting to die down as he gradually tries to zone out to numb the prickles Jeno was starting to feel.  
  
  
  
”I was never one to say no to Jaemin,” he continues, willing himself not to let his emotions get the better of him. “So when he personally went to my studio and handed me the wedding invitation _and_ asked me to speak for the reception, you can all guess how that went.” Jeno hears laughter, and he sees crinkles forming beside the younger’s eyes.  
  
  
  
”I can go on for hours just talking about Jaemin and his tendencies to _accidentally_ buy ten bags of brownies and cry over videos of babies laughing because they’re so cute,” he pauses again, trying to concentrate on the words he so carefully wrote on paper before looking back at the audience once more. “But that isn’t the reason we are gathered here tonight.”

 

“I was tasked to give out kind words and share my hopes for the couple in front of us. So let me finally start my speech by saying how fortunate I am to be chosen to stand here right now. Jaemin and I go way back—as in diapers way back—and for the majority of our lives we were stuck together like we were superglued to our sides. It isn’t that common for people to maintain such a close relationship after years and years of trying not to get on each other’s nerves. So with that, I want to thank you, Jaemin, for letting me stay in your life.”

 

“If there was a person that embodied the word tenacious, it would be him. Jaemin has struggled a lot. He’s been in pain hundreds of times, and there have also been instances when he was broken,” Jeno breathes out, careful not to let his voice become shaky. He scans through the room until his eyes finally land on Jaemin’s. “Shattered, like a vase that has fallen from a great height. But in all of the years that we’ve known each other, I’ve also come to know that he isn’t like a vase. Jaemin isn’t fragile. He is sturdy, toughened up by the challenges he’s faced and overcame.”

 

The moment Jaemin’s eyes start to water, Jeno loses it.

 

“He resembles a bird: agile, strong, and graceful through it all. He spreads his wings as he moves forward and reaches greater heights to achieve his goals and dreams,” Jeno’s face is wet with tears and he loses all the care in the world. “I couldn’t be more proud of you, Nana.”

 

“And I to you,” Jeno makes out the words Jaemin mouthed. For the first time that day, he smiles genuinely.

 

“You continue to soar high, but your love keeps you grounded so that you don’t lose your way.”

 

Jeno finally turns to Hendery. “Please always keep Jaemin grounded. You are his biggest love. Whenever he starts to forget why he started or whenever he wants to give up, be the pillar that he needs. Be the warm hearth that welcomes him after a day in the icy outside. Allow him to spread his wings further and support him wherever he goes. I may not have had the pleasure of getting to know you, but my heart is at peace for I know you are a great man. Jaemin wouldn’t have chosen you if you weren’t,” Jeno laughs with a hint of bitterness present. “Love him. Not because you are bound by marriage, but because he deserves to be loved.”

 

“And you, Nana, things may not have always been the greatest for the two of us, but where you’re standing right now is where you should be. I love you, and I am beyond glad to have been part of your happiness tonight,” _and of your happiness in the past._

 

Jeno grabs the wine glass and fork placed on the table in front of him. “To your eternal happiness with each other.”

 

The sounds of glasses clinking buries the screeching pain in Jeno’s heart as he hurries towards the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

 

I’m sorry. I seem to be incapable of letting go.

 

You aren’t mine anymore. This isn’t news to anyone, but tonight just cemented it in my head even more. I wanted to get mad at you for even thinking of inviting me... but in retrospect, I think I wouldn’t have been any better had you not done so.

 

You are not with me anymore. Given, you haven’t been with me for a long time now, but it hurts all the same to see the man I love getting married.

 

Loved. Such a painful yet wonderful word.

to be able to love once more

 

Will I also get there someday, Nana?

 

I’m too drunk to write tonight. Maybe I should stop writing these letters. I don’t even know why I keep on addressing you in these as if I’ll want to send these out. Perhaps I’ll ask Mark to burn these along with my body so that they stay with me in my ashes.

 

Midnight is approaching soon, Jaemin. I’m scared of the darkness. The night is too cold. 

 

I’m sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter:  
> Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines by Pablo Neruda


	5. As the sun sets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Approximately two months after moving in with Hendery, Jaemin receives a package containing a couple dozens of letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“...Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels_  
>  that cross the sea towards no arrival.  
> I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.  
> The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.  
> My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.  
> I love what I do not have. You are so far.  
> My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.  
> But night comes and starts to sing to me.  
> The moon turns its clockwork dream.  
> 
> 
> _The biggest stars look at me with your eyes._  
>  And as I love you, the pines in the wind  
> want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.”
> 
>  
> 
> _“I just need you to be able to tell people I was here, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you.”_

 

 

_To my love, Na Jaemin_

_If you reach this note, it means my letters got sent. And if the letters are safely in your hold, that must mean that my sun has set and I have met the midnight I once feared._

 

 

* * *

 

 

I have contemplated again and again if I should even send these out. I still don’t know what I want to achieve with this, and I fear that even as I rest, I will still be a burden to you. That there is still the possibility of me hurting you. And I know how selfish it is of me to even make you read everything and you’re probably itching to know what the fuck this is all about, but I don’t know how to write the words in such a way that would lessen the shock and pain of it all, so please bear with me, just a little bit more.

 

 

There are things in life that are unexpected, and there are things in life that are natural. This... is a mix of both.

 

As my midnight approaches, the curtains will also be drawn closed, and whether or not I receive a standing ovation, I have no way of knowing. The flicker of the candle that once burned as intensely as the brightest star has now died down and dimmed. The sparks are no more. And where there used to be flowers fully bloomed, in my place now are only fallen petals.

 

You know how bad I am when it came to studying literature, and the metaphors above are poorly made, but I do not know any other way to... break the news to you.

 

For if you receive this, against my better judgment, it must mean that I am no longer.

 

I am sorry. How many times must I have said those words in these papers? I promise, this will be the last time, though.

 

I was a coward through and through. I couldn’t muster the courage to tell you I was sick, nor tell you how bad my condition was getting, and lastly... how I still am in love with you. These things... I didn’t want to be a bother to you. Granted, you don’t deserve to be told about this matter through a mere handwritten letter, but I didn’t want my last image to you be a sad one. I didn’t want to see you in pain, and I am indulging myself into thinking that you don’t like seeing me in such a state, either.

 

When I decided to write this final note, the doctors have done their best and could not do anything else for my condition. I do not know what will happen to me after the last time I will close my eyes, but when you finish this, and when you are ready, go to Jisung and he will tell you everything I could not.

 

Please, always be happy. I wish nothing but sunny days and flowery paths for you. Remember that your shining eyes and ever so bright smile were the things that got me going through my treatments, so I hope you never lose them. But if rainy days befall you, if you feel shattered, know that it’s okay to stop for a while. There will always be tomorrow for you to try again and spread your wings once more. Fly, my dear love. Reach the oceans I wasn’t able to go to. And if possible, sing of my name, and only remember the good memories we had. 

 

This is selfish, I’m aware, but if you are able to sing of our times together, that would be enough for me. Knowing that somewhere in your life I was there, and sometimes, when you look back, you remember me, will be more than sufficient to me. When you remember how we loved, how we looked at each other, and the feelings that were ignited; when you recall all of these, I will be smiling wherever the ocean must have taken me.

 

I will smile at you. For I will follow and watch you as you fly. From the oceans where I will reside, I will look at you from below and see how high you soar.

 

I’m sorry I could not reach another dawn and watch another sunrise with you.

 

I love you, Jaemin, even in my last breath. You are the sun that will continue to rise again and shine, even as I am in my own sunset, waiting for the night to fall. Thank you for everything, Nana.

 

Good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter:  
> Here I Love You by Pablo Neruda  
> I Wrote This For You: The Last Days  
> Saturn by Sleeping At Last
> 
> this is actually the end for this possible ending, but the next (and final) chapter will be in Jaemin’s POV.
> 
> happy valentine’s, everyone, you can scream at me on twitter


	6. Wishes to the wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I like the sky and the pretty ocean resembles you_   
>  _My heart is an ocean_   
>  _The ocean where you live in happiness”_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"Hi” Temperature, “My Heart is an Ocean”_

> _“She came back to the table and sat down, and after a moment Shukumar joined her. They wept together, for the things they now knew.”_
> 
> _Jhumpa Lahiri, “A Temporary Matter”_

* * *

The soft sand under Jaemin’s feet gives him comfort. The sun above him was shining just right, and there were enough clouds in the sky to provide him shade. The soft blue in front of him peacefully rocking back and forth in a steady rhythm, the crashing of the waves a beautiful melody to his ears. It feels as if there wasn’t a weight on his hands. Jaemin closes his eyes, feels his body becoming one with the movement and sound of the sea. 

The sound of paper flapping as the wind passes through reminds him to finish writing. A smile spreads across his face and he rips the paper underneath the one he had already written on and attempts to create a paper crane. Jaemin wasn’t very good with his hands, and origami was one of the things he doesn’t have a talent in doing, but still he moves as skillfully as he can. Once finished, he brings it up and stares at it under the light of the sun. “How are you?” Jaemin whispers, eyes closing once more.

* * *

_“Hyung, come inside.”_  
  
  
  
_It wasn’t a particularly cold Friday morning, but shivers continued to run down Jaemin’s spine as Jisung ushered him inside his apartment. Three days after having someone knock on his door and ask him to receive an unknown package that contained all of Jeno’s letters to him, Jaemin finally found it in himself to visit Jisung and ask him about the information Jeno denied to tell him. He barely registers the younger’s small voice before he disappears in his kitchen, motioning him to sit down and make himself comfortable, as if being in a state of comfort was something he can afford to be in the past few days. Jaemin appreciates the gestures, though, and complies to the younger, settling down on the couch opposite the wall. He scans the living room briefly. If he came here on any other occasion, he would have cooed at Jisung and the difference of the decor and the image he tries so hard to portray to others. Figurines and action figures surprisingly neatly kept behind the shelf beside the television set, the game console tucked beneath with the wires carefully rolled so as not to make anyone trip. Splashes of color are present on the accent wall opposite the windows, creating a more luminous atmosphere in the room, yet despite this, Jaemin can’t help but feel the dullness coating the room as well. Photos of Jisung’s loved ones are hung on the walls and serve as a reminder of time past—of memories, of certain things and people that no longer are. Empty tissue boxes can be seen under the long table in front of him, along with what seemed like a photograph of Jisung and him. Jaemin diverts his attention somewhere else before he starts to get overwhelmed even more._

  
_”Thank you,” Jaemin says as Jisung comes out of the kitchen and hands him a cup of rosemary tea. The two of them avoid each other’s eyes, the tension inside the room becoming more and more palpable as each second passes by. The warm beverage does nothing to provide comfort for Jaemin’s heavy heart. Still, he sips on it, his mind trying its best to deny the reason as to why he’s sitting in front of Jeno’s business partner. With Jaemin’s eyes lowered, he notices how Jisung fiddles with his fingers. It must be hard on him as well, having a painful memory and retelling everything that happened._

  
  
_Jaemin wants this to end, to get everything over with, but where does he start? How does he start?_

_Jisung clears his throat and the sound pulls the older out of his reverie. “You came alone,” he asks, but the way the words came out makes it seem that it isn’t a question._

_“Yeah, I did. Hendery came to visit his family for a week and his flight back is on Sunday.” Jaemin gives a little smile as he talked about his husband’s whereabouts. He glanced at the younger, nodding his head as he continued to burn a hole on is carpet._

_“Congratulations, by the way,” Jisung says when he finally meets the other’s eyes that were still following his movements. “I never got to give you and your spouse my warm wishes and regards,” the younger scratches his head and shyly smiles, and even if on any other day, Jaemin would love to simply sit down and catch up with Jisung, he didn’t come here, sleepless nights after sleepless nights shown under his eyes, only to have small talk._

_“Jeno’s notes,” Jaemin carefully tries not to choke on his words, his eyes trained on Jisung’s, refusing to falter. “What… what happened?”_

_A loaded question; he knew that simply asking about what happened isn’t so… simple, but he had to start somewhere._

_Jisung lowers his head and takes deep breaths to prepare himself. He has to do this; Jeno has entrusted him and Jaemin has all the rights to know. “Jeno… he never really intended on going back to Korea.”_

_“He planned on settling in Europe. At first, he was only going back here to arrange his papers and finalize his migration, but before he had the chance to fully mull over his decisions, he got sick. He said he was in Britain back then. Jeno was rushed to the hospital while he was dancing with some of the friends he got to know there. They thought he was only hyperventilating then, but it seemed too extreme to be just that.”_

_“A month after his trip to the hospital, he took a flight back here. We met up after New Year’s, and there he proposed to start a dance company with me. I agreed without much thought because that was something we’ve talked about when we were just starting and I wanted the same thing he did. I should have noticed then that something was wrong,” Jisung pauses, careful not to sob and let his regret eat him up. He didn’t notice Jaemin getting up from across him and sitting beside him, one hand taking his while the other rubs his back._

_“It’s okay, Jisung. Deep breaths.”_

_“Jeno, he seemed to be rushing then. And whenever I asked him what his deal was, he would always jokingly answer with, ‘You never know when your last day will be!’,” Jisung starts shaking and Jaemin brings the hand that was on the younger’s back to his head and brings him closer in a hug. He waits until the other is ready to continue._

_“Things were fine. None of us in the company knew of Jeno’s condition. Two months after we formally started our business, I got into a small fight with one of our members and it took everyone a lot of physical effort to stop us. In the middle of it all, Jeno started coughing so bad and he suddenly collapsed on the floor, clutching his chest as he had a hard time breathing. Everyone was so surprised and we all rushed to Jeno’s side and got him to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. Needless to say, the fight was forgotten.”_

_“I waited for four hours outside his room until the doctor finally came out and updated me on Jeno’s condition. Turns out he recently entered stage three of COPD.”_

_“COPD?” Jaemin finally breaks his silence, racking his mind to piece together information he learned before about the disease. A pulmonary disease, he recalls, where there is no definite cure and the reason of getting it unknown. “But he dances?”_

_Jisung can feel Jaemin’s disbelief, it’s the same reaction he had when he was first told about it, too. “He did a good job in hiding it.”_

_“No, I mean, even walking will make him feel breathless, even in stage two. And you mean to tell me that he managed through how many months of extraneous activities while on stage two or three of it?” Jaemin refuses to believe everything. He knew Jeno was a strong person and he had no doubt about that, but there’s still this small part of him screaming that no, Jeno couldn’t have been sick. Despite hearing everything up until this point, his Jeno could not have been sick with something that cannot be cured, and he refused to think of Jeno becoming helpless and falling into the arms of his disease. It hurt even more to realize that he, a doctor, failed to see the symptoms when they were still together, or even when they met up as friends even before he left for Europe. If Jeno knew about his condition while he was travelling, that must mean that his symptoms have been present even before that. Hot, angry tears ran down his face. Jisung was now tugging at his wrist. When did he stand up?_

_“Jaemin, please, sit down.”_

_“No, Jisung! You mean to tell me that he was already sick when he was hanging out with all of us and none of us knew, including him? Including me? A fucking doctor?” Jaemin was pulling at his hair, rage flowing through his body for his stupidity and naivety. “What’s the use of the label attached to my name if I couldn’t even tell that there was something wrong with him?”_

_“Jaemin, don’t hurt yourself,” Jisung was careful with his words and even more careful with his actions. Softly, he tugged at Jaemin’s hands firmly planted on his hair. “None of us knew, don’t blame yourself.”_

_“How can I?” Jaemin gives in and settles his hands on his face instead, knees turning into jelly and Jisung has to help him sit down again. “I thought I was only clueless at the end, but even then I already didn’t know a thing.”_

_“Jeno didn’t want us to know. You’re not at fault.”_

_“Yeah, well, Jeno’s a selfish fucker.” Jaemin spat out. He doesn’t mean a single word he uttered, but he couldn’t help himself from saying it. It’s as if he was trying to direct his anger somewhere else than towards himself._

_It takes them a few minutes to calm down, and when Jisung feels Jaemin soften up, he decides to continue telling what happened. “The doctor said that Jeno confessed that he was diagnosed of stage two COPD while he was in Europe. Even the doctor was surprised at how strong Jeno was in enduring everything. He says that the dancing actually helped him strengthen his lungs, but it doesn’t mean that he got harmed by it at times.”_

_“Jeno and I talked about his condition after he got discharged, and we came to an agreement that his workload would be lessened, and that he would have to tell our members about what the doctor told me. He asked us to keep mum about it, and we never told anyone about it.”_

_“I accompanied him to his therapies and check ups, and he seemed to be getting better. It was a facade, of course. At one point, he stopped driving his car. He gave me multiple reasons. He himself was confused, but he settled with being too tired whenever he had to drive. I offered to give him rides, but he refused. It wasn’t until…,” Jisung paused, tentatively meeting Jaemin’s eyes._

_“Until?”_

_“Until you got engaged.”_

_Jisung then tells him how Jeno came to work one day looking the most dejected he has his entire life. Over a glass of soju after work, he gets told of the actual reason why Jeno insisted on taking the bus home. Jisung recalls as accurately as he can how Jeno chanced upon seeing Jaemin on the other bus stop, how happy he felt to have a glimpse of him, and then how utterly heartbroken he became when he saw Jaemin kneeling down and proposing to Hendery. He gets to know how hard it was getting for Jeno to get up every morning, especially on the day of his wedding. And even though Jisung was trying to reassure him again and again that he wasn’t at fault for not knowing, Jaemin feels an undeniable pain in his chest for hurting Jeno even more when he was already trying to live through his disease._

* * *

Jaemin was now walking along the shore, the jar, paper crane, and note in both hands. He’s bided enough time, and he knows he has to do this soon. He stops and stares at the view in front of him again, tears threatening to cloud his vision.  _ No,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ I don’t want you to see me cry. I’m not hurt anymore, and I know you aren’t as well.  _

He waits until another gust of wind passes by, and then he opens the lid of the jar. Jaemin has laid down the other objects he was holding on the sand. Carefully, he pours the contents of the jar into his palm so as to not spill anything. “Be happy, Jeno. The same way you wished me to be. I promise to continue soaring high, so please watch over me like you promised,” Jaemin steps closer to the water, until he feels the waves crashing underneath his feet. Even if he promised not to cry, Jaemin couldn’t help the tears running freely. “I love you,” he chokes out, a finality found in his cracked voice. “Thank you, love.”

Jaemin then blows Jeno’s ashes into the wind, just as he requested of him to do.

He then crouches down and inserts the note and paper crane into the jar and slowly, he goes deeper into the water, not even minding the wetness that has seeped through his jeans. Once he was a little more than knee deep, he lets go of the object in his hand and lets it flow away from him, along with his regrets and sorrows.

__  
  


“Jaemin!” Renjun calls out to him. He has been sitting on the sand, letting his pants dry, when his friends finally approached him. Jaemin’s thankful for the time they gave him to be alone and do whatever he had to do, and for the support they gave him. None of them knew of Jeno’s condition and his passing, the same as Jaemin, and this day stood as their own funeral for their friend. As sad as that is, that was what Jeno wanted.

__  
Later that night, as Jaemin stood in front of his window, basking in the warmth of being inside, he puts the lid of the package back and hugs it one last time before keeping it hidden underneath his clothes, along with the small pendant with a picture of him and Jeno from when they first got together, which was inside the box when he first got it. Etched in the back was one word.  __ Fly.   


> _“...I don't expect to change fate, I don't have any chances left, I try to romanticize failure and learn to love without owning, that could work, I guess…_
> 
>   
>  _I can't feel you but I know you're there. I will know it every time I look through my window_  
>    
>  _You are the cold outside, I am the warmth of my bedroom”_
> 
> _furino, “the silence between two special songs”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done with this possible ending! Again, huge thanks to @jaeminuggets on twittet for letting me use her prompt! Someone once told me that the original story I wrote hurt more than having character death and I was hhhhhh challenged so... this happened (im truly sorry)
> 
> scream at me on twitter on which part got u most @kyungtennie thank u to everyone who read! until the next one!


End file.
